I didn't expect to be suffering from Grief and Survivor's Guilt at the same time, but here we are. I spent 18 years taking care of John; watching the slow and inevitable decline of the person I was closest to in this world. I was his voice when he couldn't or wouldn't speak for himself. I was his advocate. I was his caretaker and his protector. I was more than vested.
When he passed, I had a wave of relief, knowing he was no longer in the debilitating pain he'd suffered. I was overjoyed that he was free. The other side of that wave was the deep and unending sorrow that my best friend was gone and I'd never see or hear him again.
Then comes the holidays.... and the tears that he wasn't there to enjoy them. That he wouldn't see our granddaughter open her doll that he wanted her to have....
My guilt as a spouse, that I'm still here, and he's not... that I'm not doing things to improve my health.... and that I'm a wife without a husband.
There's guilt for my kids too... They miss their father, and have moments of , 'gee I wish...'
All of this is part of the grieving process. Just when you think you can handle it, you get smacked down by the guilt that you're here, and he's not. It's hard to enjoy moments, but it's hard not to. And these are the early days.